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How to survive commuter rage

1.      Manners and common courtesy are strictly forbidden. Words such as ‘please’, ‘excuse me’, ‘thank you’ and ‘sorry’ do not exist when commuting.

2.      Personal space is optional. You can stand as close as you want to whoever you want. Leave no room to breathe or move.

3.      Do not smile or talk to strangers otherwise you will look weird.

4.      Ensure you always stand on the left hand side of the escalator.

5.      Block all passageways, entry and exit points to other commuters. Do not budge in all circumstances.

6.      Owing to 5. above, pushing is necessary.

7.      Do not move along the platform or inside the carriage. The hotspots are at the bottom of the escalators and near tube doors.

8.      When in a rush, brush past others deliberately knocking elbows, handbags and shopping bags out of the way.

9.      It is OK to cut in front of people, especially if they have been queuing for ages.

10.  Fight for your life to get a seat, even if it means stepping on small children or toppling over others.

11.  Giving up your seat for the elderly, disabled or the pregnant is for losers.

12.  If in doubt, use physical violence.